"People disappeared, reappeared, made plans to go somewhere, and then lost each other, searched for each other, found each other a few feet away." -F. Scott Fitzgerald
The slow fade.
I never knew what that was.
I mean don't get me wrong, I have experienced (and...I may have committed it a couple of times) it more times than I care to count, but I never knew the right term for it.
Until now.
There is a weird thing that happens when you move off of dating sites and into the realm of texting on personal numbers. Everything is great for a few days, weeks, even months, you chat you may go on a date or two, and then something changes.
You start to text less often.
You chat on the phone less often.
You become…busier, less free to make time you tell yourself.
You make excuses for not answering texts right away.
And eventually, you just stop responding altogether.
I don't know why it happens, and I am not sure if it is a result of the fear of monotony, Peter Pan Syndrome, or the fear of actually committing to someone. Or maybe, we just aren't that interested, but can't face telling the person we are talking to that we just aren't as into them as we thought.
In a sense, it's actually kind of worse than ghosting. You can see it happening, and you have no power to stop it.
I always want to ask - is it me?
K is one of those fades.
We matched on a dating app, but he was working out of town in Wisconsin for a few months.
We decided to text and get the conversation going (remember the rule, NO phone calls!) while K was away.
We would catch up every few days and make an effort to chat and see how each other was. All nice and sweet and getting to know you like. We even took it off of the dating sites to see what would happen.
When he moved back to Colorado, we talked for a few days making loose plans to meet each other, but not really settling on a day or time.
Bantering back and forth, we would text and share, the mundane things.
K - "How was your day?"
Me - "OK. Kind of busy, I am working on this campaign for work and have to get it finished in the next few days. How's the new job?"
K - "I like it. You know, we should go out sometime."
Me- "Sure. When would you like to?"
K- Crickets for the rest of the night. (I love the total avoidance of the question)
It went on like that for a few weeks. Nothing weighty, just the polite conversation of two people who don't really know each other and aren't really sure how deep into the conversation they should get. And me asking when we should meet, followed by K's lack of commitment to the subject.
One day, the questions and conversation just sort of dried up.
I would say good morning and receive no reply, or I would get an answer around noon.
Or, I would say good morning, and it would take DAYS for him to reply.
Finally, I just stopped trying.
No comments, no sweet good-bye's, just me fading into the sunset with my horse and my 10-gallon hat (OK, just kidding, but I have to admit, all I hear in my head is the riding off into the sunset type songs they play in those old spaghetti westerns that were filmed in New Mexico when I realize the slow fade is happening). Rather dramatic, I know.
Now I know it isn't just men who do it, it is totally women too. I hate to say it, but ladies, we are just as guilty. Even more so from what I understand.
And I get it. We are busy. We don't want to make changes for an unsure thing. We like our lives the way they are.
Sort of. (Would we really be on these dating sites if we were totally happy with the way things are?? I.Think.Not!)
But we don't really look from the recipient's point of view when we are the one performing the slow fade.
The person on the other end of the text, phone call, email, dating site message, is just that – a person. Hoping they will find a connection and finally break free from the crazy dating circus they are in (and this time it really is their monkeys and their circus).
They aren't sitting there like Gollum, petting the picture you most likely sent them, saying "My precious." (and if they are, run away. Run away now, because next thing you know, you are going to be tied in the basement of some chick's house, while she pets you on the head and calls you baby. Just saying…)
They may not be waiting with anxiously for your reply, but I can guarantee there is a tiny piece of them that is hoping you will.
I am. Hoping that is.
K isn't the first and I am sure he won't be the last.
I went through my phone and my dating apps before I started this post to count how many slow fades there have been (or at least the ones I haven't bothered to delete yet. I get like that with old messages, hell even emails. I am horrible at deleting them. My gmail inbox has well over 1,000 old emails sitting in it) …. I'm not sure I should tell you. Let's just say the number is in the double digits and more than 10.
K just happens to be the most recent version.
I decided to Google "slow fade in dating" to see how many results I would get.
Are you ready for this?
4,400,000!
Yup, you see that correctly.
FOUR MILLION, FOUR HUNDRED THOUSAND results on Google!!!
Don't believe me? Go check it out for yourself and let me know what you find.
That's a lot of people committing the slow fade. (when you say it like that, it sounds kind of illegal in a weird, fun way)
I know this is going to sound out of place, but just follow along for a moment.
You know when you are shopping online at work when you shouldn't have been, and then you go to do some actual research for your job but various advertisements about the items you were searching for instead of working show up?
Or when you are on Facebook, and suddenly, they are promoting things you were THINKING of buying?
Side note - FB is super creepy like that. I always feel like telling Mark Zuckerberg to get out of my head at that point. I mean seriously...How the hell did he know I only want to buy a specific brand of frying pan to replace my old one? And, it's not like Alexa was listening to my conversation about getting new cookware? Right?
I think we should do that to the slow fades.
Just stick with me for a second more – they fade away into the distance to be forgotten by you. Then one day while they are playing around on FB your picture pops up with the question "Were you abducted by aliens? Do we need to call D.B. Sweeney and have him explain to you how he escaped the alien abduction in Fire in the Sky?!"
Seriously though. The slow fade isn't nearly as sexy as it sounds.
We aren't fading off into the evening for drinks with little umbrellas in them or to cuddle on the couch with some popcorn.
We all have lives.
We are all busy, but if we are taking the time to chat, why not see it through?
You never know, that slow fade you committed, could have been the one you were looking for all along. Just not in the package you were expecting.
And if they aren't. Why not just say so? (And yes, I went back to the few I did that to and let them know that I just felt I wasn't the right person for them. Most didn't respond, but the one that did, said thanks and good luck).
This quote kind of sums it all up - Some people fade away from your life just like the colour from your clothes - Annaaa
SLOWLY.
Its like all of those sunsets we see and don't remember. The ones that slowly fade into night like they never happened at all. That's what the slow fade becomes. Another lost memory. Who wants to be a lost memory?
In the dating graveyard K's stone reads "Here lies K. He just faded away"
I feel like I should give a quick eulogy and then let's all bow our heads in a moment of silence for all the relationships that have slowly faded away. May they rest in peace.
Amen.
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