I've decided I'm color blind when it comes to dating. I don't see the red flags when they're waved in my face, and I choose to pretend they are just pretty decorations that make the red flag waver more 'layered' and, therefore, more interesting.
I really think I just need someone to put dating bumpers on me, so I'll stop putting myself in these situations.
I wasn't going to make this one #7, but the guy from the race team really needs to be bumped up to #6.
I'm going to preface this with (and claim, even though I don't want to); I realized the other day that I'm going through my third puberty, and my emotions are all out of whack, so my cognitive faculties are on the fritz, and medicinal intervention may be necessary to stop me from crying over EVERYTHING. I'm also kind of peeved I have to go through the same crap I went through at 12. Like seriously, universe, once wasn't enough?! Do I have to experience it all again at 51? And you make me uncomfortably warm on top of it?
I hate you!
OK, back to No. 7.
This guy was, how shall I say this? A big bang with an abrupt ending.
As we all know by now, I meet all types through dating, my job, and well daily life in general. I have good and bad dates when it comes to all of this, but never have I received so many shirtless coffee cup holding pictures in my entire life! I didn't know this was a thing!
And all unsolicited at that!
Seriously, I could have made a coffee table book with the different poses, clothing choices or lack of clothing choices, coffee cup, and camping wine cup choices (props, though, to the wine cup choices, I'm considering drinking my coffee from one just to look more bougie on a daily basis), and of course the bomb coffee maker videos—so many.
So many.
Not to say the view wasn't lovely, because it was pretty sweet, but come on! I'm thrilled you love your coffee and apparently yourself (and rightly so), but I only need so many pictures clogging up my phone.
As usual, we met on a dating app and started chatting on and off. Kind of sporadically because of life and schedules. And to be honest, I wasn't really into it. I was fresh off a relationship and trying to decide if I wanted to date or just be on my own for a bit. I didn't put much effort into it, and neither did he.
Finally, he asked about taking it off the app, and I agreed. We chatted a bit more on text, but it was the same cadence of on and off. I just figured I'd leave it at this and let it do the slow fade so I wouldn't have to work at it.
Suddenly I started getting random pics. First of his life, then the shirtless coffee pictures.
I was like – OK, let's see where this goes—not really expecting much.
We chatted about my job. This comes up a lot in conversations with other people on these sites because, well, my job is pretty cool, and one day he said: "If we hit it off, I'm happy to go to the races with you." Ummmm…. OK, and slow down, cowboy, we haven't even met yet!
Anyone in my personal life understands that my job has some perks that allow me to rub elbows with some pretty cool people and participate in some once-in-a-lifetime experiences for most people, just about every two weeks. I love it, and I love that I've been able to do this. However, I don't offer the opportunity to random strangers, and I definitely don't want that to be the reason you are chatting with me.
Needless to say, I was pretty turned off at this point. The shirtless coffee pics were great, and thanks for sending me your Orange Theory Splat point score, but I'm just not that into it anymore.
So, I bailed on our first date.
I gave some BS excuse that I was having family issues – I wasn't – and that I just couldn't make it. I knew I was going out of the country for work and then on vacation with my mom the next week, so I figured it would be a polite way to just fade off into the sunset in my own 10-gallon hat.
Nope! The dude wanted to keep talking while I was gone to "catch me before anyone else could."
OK fine. MAYBE he could redeem himself.
Now, before I go any further, how many red flags have you seen?
Yeah. I saw them too. They were pretty, weren't they….?
I agreed because - why not? Why not give someone a second chance to prove they have multiple red flags that you think would make great décor in your home someday? Seems logical to me. (in reality, I give most people a second chance even when I feel they only needed one. Sometimes we just aren't ourselves - going through personal journeys we weren't expecting, etc. -, and that person ends up having a significant impact on our worlds. I've since learned that other people don't think that way.)
Doesn't it?
We kind of chatted on and off while I was out of the country. More him sending me shirtless coffee pics and me sending pictures of Roman ruins and my mother looking a bit lost while I drag her from castle to castle. (I give that woman kudos for trudging along with me through extreme heat and stressful conditions. She was a trooper).
I brought my mom into this only because she witnessed one of the more surprising moments in our exchanges.
Mom and I are in Portofino enjoying the afternoon on the water and trying on dresses in a local shop. She's in the dressing room with me, helping me with a dress I couldn't get undone, and a text pops up on my phone.
Mom- you may want to get that, honey; it may be work.
Me – (groaning inwardly) yeah, you're right. Although I AM on vacation, and everyone knows it.
I know things happen, and you sometimes have to stop pretending to be Italian aristocracy and a lady of leisure and get your job done. (seriously though, I was really enjoying the fantasy moment)
So, I open the text in front of her because why not? It couldn't be anything too risqué, right?
Again! Why do you people let me think for myself?! It gets me in all kinds of trouble! We've had this discussion before.
Up pops a picture of shirtless coffee guy's backside in all its glory….sunburn 'tan' lines and all.
I just stood there for a moment. Slightly mortified my mother was seeing this and slightly enjoying the pic (dude, I'm human, and it was a nice butt. I'm just saying).
I turn to see mom's face. She looks a little shocked at first but then composes herself and announces that she gives it a 7 because it wasn't solicited.
I just about choked on my tongue.
Then, with a perfectly angelic look, she goes – 'send it to R and J and see how they rate it.'
Ummmm, OK, mom. Whatever you say.
And I did just that. I mean, my mom did tell me to do it.
Me- Mom says I need to send this to you and get your score (sends pic while mom is laughing under her breath. That woman can be EVIL).
(I can only imagine what R and J are thinking at this point)
R-I give it an 8. It's a 10, but I'm deducting points for it being unsolicited.
J-I'll give it a 9. Rather confident, I see.
By this point, the shopkeeper, the British lady who was shopping with us, and two Italian ladies who had unwittingly walked into my mom on a mission had all seen the picture too. My mom was merciless. She asked each of them to vote. If I hadn't grabbed the phone back from her, I'm pretty sure all of Portofino would have had an opportunity to vote on this dude's ass!
By this point, I was mortified; I bought the dress out of obligation and tucked the phone in my purse so that I couldn't receive any other unsolicited pictures that may be circulated around Italy by a 77-year-old woman on a mission.
I shared a few pictures of the rest of our trip and left it at that. I just couldn't risk it. God only knows what could have shown up next!
Now there really is a reason; this guy is #7. And it wasn't for the bombardment of pictures and other red flags. I mean, he is in the blog after all....
I finally agreed to go out with him on a date. Mainly because I felt terrible, I had bailed, and because he had been so persistent in getting my attention.
We agreed to meet on a Monday because that was the only day he had free. He has plans with his brother every Tuesday and then his youngest daughter every Wednesday and Thursday and every other week. So, Monday it was. (we had tried to meet up the weekend before, but he actually called me to tell me that he had tickets to a weekend concert thingy that he forgot about and could we meet on Monday).
We texted a little bit on and off, but nothing significant, even though I asked multiple times where he'd like to meet and at what time. (weirdly, even though I'm supposed to be a flakey Sag that floats through life, not wanting to be tied down or make plans. I like plans. I like to know where I'm going and when. And I actually don't mind having obligations and being tied down to someone or something I enjoy. I'm a disgrace to my sign, I know.)
For more context on our conversations– I only ever received pictures or short texts in the morning between the hours of 8 am and noon. Anything after that was ignored, and if it was on the weekends, it would be emojis or pictures, but nothing more.
Red flags are so pretty, aren't they….?
Monday rolls around, and I send one final text.
Me- so, what time do you want to meet today?
SCG – crickets.
Me – (to myself, whelp, that was fun)
And I go on my merry way doing what I needed to do that day.
4 pm I get a call
SCG – Hey! I know I've slacked on the conversation, but we've waited this long, and I really want to meet you.
Me – (thinking, what the hell. I was looking forward to just binging something and drinking a bottle of wine by myself tonight). Yeah, so do you still want to meet up or what?
SCG – Can you meet me downtown in an hour?
Seriously dude! Last minute much? Have you not had much interaction with women? I needed to at least put makeup on!
I'm just thinking, screw it. I'll go, and it can be a one-and-done, and I'll move along. This will give me the excuse to take another break and figure out what I really want to do.
I take a Lyft downtown and try to find him. He ends up rolling up on a scooter and keeps staring at me (not like Mr. Stares you down, thank heavens!).
SGC- Much better in person!
Me (thinking-gee thanks!) - I said, 'thank you, you too'
We have a great time. Close down the restaurant. Walk around downtown. And just enjoy the conversation
To give SCG credit, he comes into your life like a bomb and is very charming in person, but I noticed a few things while we were at the restaurant that I ignored. The tone when he spoke to the waiter. The way he draws the focus to himself. Things like that.
You know, red flags.
But he was also confident, funny, and charming. So, I agreed to go on a second date.
And ignore the red flags.
SCG – Let's get something planned before you go on your crazy travel schedule again (September and October are going to be doozies for me).
I agree, and we go our separate ways.
And I start texting. (You know, the communication thing that happens when you meet someone and decide you'd like to get to know them, so you communicate more? Yeah, that thing)
But the pattern is still the same. Only mornings, only from certain times, and never at night. Huh… OK. Thought you wanted to get to know me. Was I wrong in this?
I tried different tactics, like asking if he'd like to go out next Monday, and offered some options.
And I got – MMMMaybe.
Um, OK. So, no, then? How about - I can't because I have plans. That's not a great day for me this week; let's try ANY OTHER DAY OF THE WEEK. Anything else? Any thoughts on your end SCG? OR, here's a novel idea - COMMUNICATION!
Nope. I got - MMMMaybe.
I stopped asking and said, 'why don't you tell me when you're available.'
And the texts got fewer, but the shirtless coffee pictures and the splat points remained. Although, the clothing choices in the pictures were, um, shall we say, smaller too. So, I guess there was a hidden message I was supposed to interpret without my personal Rosetta Stone.
I am seriously a spell-it-out type of person. I need that to be sure I'm not breaking the rules. I like rules, it keeps me from doing stupid things.
I finally sent a note and a video (I can be a big texter which is OK for some people and not for others. A habit I really am trying to control, but sometimes I just have a lot to say, that and the horrible M word rears its ugly head and takes over any logical thoughts I have) and asked – what are the parameters? What days, times, etc., work the best? And how do I communicate with you? I feel like I'm intruding, and I don't want to do that (I really do try to be respectful of people's time, and I do want to know when I'm texting too much so I can pull back if needed. And I understand being busy. I've had people get upset with me for not communicating with them the way they want. And I was trying to just figure out the pattern).
Fair questions, I thought.
Too many questions, I guess.
I got the playlist with a note that said, "honestly. This. Show me who you are" instead.
Ummm, Kay.
As J says, weird, but you like complicated. And I do.
I'll admit, it was fun, opened some doors for me, and made me realize that I needed to let go of some things. So, thanks for that. I learned a lot about myself, at least.
But that was the only actual form of communication sometimes, and here I am, making a decidedly focused effort to create an honest connection with him.
As I mentioned, I'd tried other ways. I'd record a video just sharing information or the backstory behind a song; I'd try short text with prompts. I tried pictures - fully clothed, of course. Nothing.
I received two more phone calls from him. One told me that he really was trying to figure out a second date that, between our two schedules, it wouldn't be until November, it looked like (we shared schedules to confirm, and I guess I was supposed to put his to memory. Dude, I can't even remember where I'm supposed to be half the time. Ask R – I'll ask her 15 times a week where I'm supposed to be and what trade show or race I'm going to! Thank God! That woman is patient with me).
Well, I guess I didn't remember it correctly, had a major mess up with talk-to-text that convoluted everything, and I overcompensated and tried to fix it.
I just messed it up. And apparently intruded on meetings I didn't know were happening. Because, Oh, I don't know, lack of communication?
Let's note that I get texts in meetings all the time. And I just turn my phone over until I can answer the text. That is what most people do, but apparently, the unspoken rule with SCG is – a business trip = no communication. Ever! But would I know that, nope because- Let's all say it together....
COMMUNICATION!
My last phone call was when I landed at the airport for my business trip (BTW, apparently, the rule is only a one-way rule, and he can call me on my business trips immediately after I land, and am trying to discern in the ensuing airport chaos where my luggage is and what rental car company I ordered my car from. Oh, and it's OK to send butt pics when I'm with family, but I can't send a 'how are you' text. That constitutes too many texts, if you're wondering), to be told that I may need a bit more attention than he can offer at this time – in the same tone he used with the waiter, mind you.
Now, as I mentioned, I am not blameless in this; however, I ignored so many red flags, and instead of following my instinct in the beginning when I bailed on the date, I kept marching forward, collecting those red flags like a first-place winner!
There's one more red flag I forgot to mention. In one of the few phone conversations we had, he actually said – 'when it's my time to be in the blog, I want you to be brutally honest, and you can call me out.
Ohhhhhkay…..Are you sure about that, buddy? You can't even handle a text in the middle of a meeting?
I do thank him for the gift of the playlist, it really was something I needed, but I don't know if he'll ever see this because I took myself out of the narrative and cut him loose from my social media and a few other things. Not in a puckish way, more of a – you just don't need to be here if you aren't going to contribute anything useful, kind of way. (maybe someday, but right now, I need to determine what exactly it would look like)
So, here's the truth SCG (if you find this) – communication is the key. Life, family, friends, events, and our work schedules, are all there and going to be there, but the person that you're trying to date may not be if you don't share something with them and show an effort. Coming in like a rocket but petering out like a noisemaker because you have some unspoken rules that weren't shared doesn't help anyone and just leads to serious misunderstandings and lost interest. As I mentioned, words. Words work, but you have to use them to your advantage. We have an amazing language full of all kinds of fun lexicon, and you never know; if you use the right words, you may actually find what you're looking for.
We're all looking for our missing pieces to add to our lives. Those pieces may be wrapped up in a way that we don't quite understand yet, and so we toss them aside without considering that they're human.
I am not your ex, and I can empathize with what happened, but superimposing their images over someone else's body doesn't make that person them. Yes, I messed up with the communication and apologized for it, and I have some things to sort out (thank you for the offer of being there if I need help, but you know damn well I won't call you for help. Kind of a hollow gesture). But you also send mixed messages. And maybe you were confused about everything. However, clarity of communication helps avoid that. I may not have been what you expected, but neither were you, and I gave you a second chance even though my instinct told me not to. And I don't regret it. You quickly brought something to my life that I needed.
The truth is you are not the first, and you won't be the last with the unspoken rules of engagement. I think this is why ghosting happens. We don't share what we want upfront. We don't give people parameters to work in, and we set them up for failure. I think we do it subconsciously. It makes it easier for us to lament the lack of good people without making ourselves the bad guys in our stories.
It's OK if you're not really wanting to date, but then be upfront with that too. NSA, FWB, ENM, all of these are OK. If that's what you want. But when you say you want a relationship and then back up – saying I'm happy with my life and my family is the most important thing, so you get nothing, but I still want to send you shirtless coffee pics and OTF splat points – I'll pass.
You're waving the hurricane is coming flag (I grew up in Florida. That's a bad, bad flag!), so you better watch out. And I'd rather not be swept away, thank you. (I want to clarify that I admire his dedication to his daughter and family. It is a beautiful thing, and I didn't want to burst into that bubble, but there are plenty of hours outside of that where the communication could have happened).
I've got one more playlist for you -
Guinevere -Eli Young Band
Bad At Love - Halsey
She Used To Be Mine - Sara Bareilles
It's Alright- Mother Mother
I Hope You Dance - Lee Ann Womack
You Will Be Found - Sam Smith, Summer Walker
Communication - The Cardigans
Wish You the Best - Maddie & Tae
Thank You for the Music -ABBA
There's a meme going around that says, 'when he's a red flag, but red is your favorite color!' And it looks good on me too!
As for the red flags, I'll take a dozen, please!
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