I have a confession.
I’m not perfect.
Don’t look so shocked.
Something changed for me. Or, actually, someone’s unintended actions changed me. Not this overpowering connection or anything. It was actually something simple.
Something that broke the walls I put up.
Not that this person will ever really know the impact. My weirdness took care of that for me, but I feel like I should thank them. I don’t know if I’ll ever speak to them again or if they can get beyond my struggles, but that’s OK.
I know most of these are funny, and they’re meant to be entertaining, but they’re also for me. To share my experiences and laugh at the ridiculousness of life.
There’s another reason for these.
They help me remember who I am.
Now I’m not going to go into some dark space or share all of my inner workings (I seriously need to leave some mystery), but I feel compelled to share the high-level view of what is woven into the fabric of me.
Will it change how I approach things? Not really. Will it help me remember to be human? Yes.
I wrote a few weeks ago about the playlist. That was a real thing. Something that I thought was silly, but I played along because it was different. It was creative, and we all know I’ve got a bent for creative things.
On top of that, I’ve been working through some internal conversational upgrades. They’re a learned reaction to events that happened years ago, and I’ve let them control my way of thinking for too long. (Hence all the relationship drama I walk away from).
I will not play victim, nor will I remove my part in the experience. Let’s just say it was toxic and detrimental.
And I never really grieved some serious losses in my life. I have a tendency to pull things in and put them away. Burying them in work, activities, humor, and just about anything that keeps me going so I don’t have to feel.
Feelings = bad
This simple playlist turned into something more. Something I didn’t expect. Something I couldn’t imagine. It started to create cracks in the foundation of the walls I’d created to protect myself.
It started to force me to…..feel! (OMG, I know).
All joking aside – it forced me to begin to reveal who I really was. And I struggled.
Big time.
The reason I’m bringing this to light is to thank that person -who will probably never see this. To share with them that the simple act of that gave me the ability to let go of so many things I’ve never been able to let go of.
They had wanted me, when it was their time, to post about how great of a kisser they are. LOL. I’ll save that for another day.
Instead, I’ll just share how their humanity helped me find mine again in a very short time.
I don’t think we sometimes realize the impact we have on random people, in our daily lives, and in dating. We don’t think about how our actions can make a difference in how they perceive themselves.
I know I didn’t. I’ll be the first to admit that I didn’t date with a purpose. I dated to fill space. And when I took a step back, I received a gift.
I joke about always being single and never finding the one, and I’ll continue to share the crazy dating stories so all you married and coupled people can feel better about the weirdos you’re with. But I had made a decision when I met this person. To slow down and look. Really look at myself and them.
(Remind me not to go on a spiritual self-empowerment journey when talking to new people..just smack my hand and say no! It really does freak people out, I’ve learned).
My point is this.
Our time is short, and our capacity for love is vast. Why do we keep it to ourselves? Why are we afraid to reach outside of our self-made boxes to hold the hand of someone new? If even for a second.
That second may be all it takes to heal the hurts of the past and let the walls come crashing down.
In a spectacularly awkward way.
So, thank you from the bottom of my heart for the gift you gave me with the infinite playlist. You gave me back what I had lost, and for that, I can never repay you. And I hope you find this someday.
Now, who gets to be #7?
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