I've seriously wondered if this is going to be the case.
Listen, I'm weird. You're weird. They're weird. I get it, but I've seen things, folks, and unless can figure out the magic formula of balancing my weirdness and the ridiculous personal growth paths I choose to take at random odd times during the dating process (which usually scare off even the hardiest of prospects. Yes, I'll admit it's not always them. The stories are way more fun when it's them though!).
I can't see how this is going to be a winning scenario for me sometimes. Not to say that there haven't been some lovely people, but as my friend J, not this J, says, I like complex people that don't fit normal molds. The nice guys, I love you all, but I love a challenge!
However, this particular story isn't about me, and as much as I wish I could claim this lovely paragon of dating joyousness. I cannot. This little gem belongs to a dear friend of mine, and I’ll never forget the story!
And now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for….
I present to you #8!
J and I were at dinner, swapping horror stories while she was in Denver for a conference.
J: I have a story for your blog if you want to post it.
Me: OMG! Yes! Spill.
J: I don’t know if we should do this over dinner or drinks.
Drinks won (hey, I know my lane, and I’m sticking to it until I can’t. So don’t judge).
J was on her third date with this guy (the prerequisite coffee and drinks dates came first. Of course), and he seemed to have his act together.
I’m going to stop here.
I’ve learned – if a new potential person seems like they have their act together, they most definitely do not. There are times when you know the dumpster fire of a dude who is just wrecked but trying is a better prospect than the “all together dude.”
All together dude just hides it better, and it doesn’t show up for, oh, I don’t know, TWO YEARS! Oh wait, that’s my drama. And we most certainly will get to him later.
Anyway, they went to a hockey game in the town where J and I initially met (we’ve both since moved away). She had some club-level tickets and offered to use them. He said he would take care of it, so, as any rational human, she didn’t worry about it. She trusted him.
First mistake. Love you, J, but I gotta call that one!
They met in an area outside of the city where we lived, and he drove.
I have to say, unless I’m really, really, really into a guy. I meet them at the date location for a while. Not to be a jerk, but dude! If I have to escape, I don’t need to call a Lyft and then awkwardly wait for it. I’m out. See ya! Bye Felicia! (and don’t you dare think I didn’t do the finger snap after I wrote that. Shame on you if you haven’t figured me out by now).
I digress.
They parked in a lot quite a way away from the venue. Mind you, J had torn a tendon and was in a boot! (so much to say, so little time….. ). Next thing she knows, Mr. I’ve Got This Handled holds up two fingers to signal scalpers he’s looking for tickets!
Everybody now – What. The. Hell. She had offered to use her club seats.
Mr. I’ve Got This Handled: We can get better seats if I do this.
J: You realize we’re too far out for scalpers.
(I love when we’re right…just saying)
And they headed to the arena.
As they got closer to the venue, he wandered off without her to find tickets and left her on the curb. Next thing she knows, there’s a text saying he got the tickets and she needed to come to find him. (Remember the boot….)
I personally would have been like, no, I think you need to come back here.
J is nicer than me. She went to find him.
She finally finds him in the crowd, and he announces that her portion is $80. Seriously! She had tickets already!
Who doesn’t love free stuff when it’s offered??? I’ll wait.
Everyone? EXACTLY!
J- you should have taken me; we would have had a great time! (J’s tickets are in the XO club, which, if you know anything about this venue, has free drinks and food. Again, J-WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE ME??)
The scalped tickets were from a group of three tickets on the same level as J’s tickets.
Mr. IGTH heads to the entrance and takes them to the wrong elevator (boot dude, boot). They have to turn around to go up the club-level entrance which is on the other side of the arena.
They finally get to the box and get settled.
Ish.
IGTH keeps disappearing. No word; he just gets up, goes somewhere mysterious, and then returns. The seat owner, who happens to be in the box also, finally asks, ‘Is this guy a drug dealer or what?’
Again, J is WAY nicer than me. I would have been following the guy just to be sure I wasn’t part of some nefarious dealings that would later end up coming back to haunt me. (Not that most of the things I’ve done in the past haven’t resurfaced, but I don’t need to add to the list)
The owner of the seats offers to follow IGTH the next time he leaves.
As if on cue, IGTH gets up. The seat owner gets up a few seconds later and follows him.
J waits for a bit, and the seat owner comes back.
Seat owner: I think the dude has some intestinal issues! He’s definitely got some problems.
When IGTH came back, J asked if he was feeling well and would like to leave. Nope, he wanted to stay the course!
Seriously, if this ever happens to you, just own it and leave. Everyone, I mean EVERYONE, has been there and will understand. No questions asked.
The game ends, and they leave the venue. It's the one time of year when it's cold out at night, and they have to walk back to the car that's parked blocks away.
OK, for non-Florida folks, you won’t understand, but there are about two weeks in Florida where it actually gets cold (shocker! I know), and Floridians are ill-prepared for this kind of weather. We have to pull out the same coats we wore in middle school and put socks on with our flip-flops. It’s a thing, trust me.
As they're walking, IGTH announces he has to use the bathroom again! She offers to walk with him to the bar across the street, and he announces he’s going back into the arena.
DUDE! Seriously?! I don’t know whether I would have ordered a taxi, phoned a friend, or walked alone to a local bar at that point.
He leaves J outside in the Florida cold. In the dark.
When he finally returns, they head back to the car – after a robust decision about where the vehicle is actually parked.
Total side note, but I have some sympathy for losing your car. I do it on the regular; however, if I have someone with me who distinctly remembers where I put the ten-ton machine that I’m making payments on, I’m going to follow them—just saying.
About halfway to the car, he announces – he has to go again, but he refuses to use the restroom in either of the bars they are in between!
I have to ask – how many people are anti-public restrooms? I get the fear of the germ-infested port-a-potties that inhabit most campgrounds and public event venues, but there is a small modicum of cleanliness (not much, but still) in a bar bathroom!
IGTH: I have a paper towel in the back seat of my car. I’ll just use the bushes…..
I’ll let that soak in for a minute.
Yeeeaaahhh….
IGTH handle walks J to the car, lets her in, grabs the paper towels, and disappears into the dark to find a bush.
I’ve got nothing.
I’m just going to let you fine folks figure out the rest.
Again, I know we all have things happen, and I’ll be the first to bail on a date when I feel a sniffle (I mean, why leave the house if I don’t have to?), but that was some serious digestive pyrotechnics going on there and he just “powers through” like a champ! Or so, he thought.
He returned after the ahem, incident, used hand sanitizer, and announced ‘spicy barbecue for lunch! It hurt going in and coming out! So, your place or mine?’ and tries to kiss J.
Needless to say, she ended the date and never spoke to him again.
Even though he called several times for a repeat performance, I guess!
I’ve decided I should have been an anthropologist or a sociologist. I haven't decided which one would be more fun at this point.
The things people will do to go the extra mile to impress someone with complete disregard for how they’re actually coming across is amazing to me. I’m no exception to being weird or doing awkward things. Hell, I’m pretty sure I invented the ‘cute but weird and will make it completely uncomfortable’ vibes, but there is a point where we have to take stock of our personal health and acknowledge when it stops becoming fun for the person on the receiving end of our weirdness.
Not that there’s anything wrong with weirdness or with personal issues. But I’m learning, as is everyone else, that there’s a time and place to share them. Sometimes we just can’t get out of our own way as people and make more of a mess than we ever intended. And sometimes, we just are so wrapped up in our own orbit to realize our effect.
The challenge with dating is finding someone who matches our weirdness (without grossing us out).
Dr. Seuss says it best.
We are all a little weird, and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.
So, here’s to all my favorite weirdos out there! Of all the weirdos on the internet, I hope you find your one!
As for me, I’m going to start asking people what they had for lunch BEFORE I go out with them.
I mean, why not seem concerned about their health in advance?
To the poor bush pooper, I really hope you recovered. I can’t imagine trying to survive a date after ‘spicy barbecue,’ but perhaps you should reconsider your pre-date meals next time.
And to J, thanks for sharing the story!
#quote #dating #relationships #drsuess #weirdo #datingstories #datinglife #datingafter40 #lifeonthisplanet
Comments